Biting Back

"Eating disorders are not always textbook things. They don't have a particular face." ~ Heather Fisher

Oh how true. For so long it was easy to convince myself that there was nothing wrong with me because I simply didn't look like I had an eating disorder, still don't for that matter. Most days I still struggle to believe that I actually have a problem even though I know I do.

I started down the road with ED when I was 15, that was the first time I threw up anyways. Dissatisfaction with my body started much younger than that. I developed much faster than the other girls my age, I remember shopping for bras with "supportive straps" when I was 13 while my girlfriends and cousins were buying frilly little training bras. My mom said I had curves, I said I was cursed.

I remember constantly comparing myself to the other girls around me. I remember hearing this little voice in my head every once in a while, "You're fat you know. None of your friends wear a size 5." Soon that little voice became a giant nagging bitch that assaulted me on a daily basis. "You aren't pretty enough. Your stomach is too big. Can you see over those boobs, you know those are just big pockets of fat right?" Throwing up made the voice shut up...for a little while at least.

10 years later I still hear that voice. I've been in recovery for 2 years and haven't actively binged/purged for over a year but the struggle is still there. I hope to one day be able to wake up and not be nagged by my ED. He bit me first, now I'm biting back.