It's a start

I've had a few, okay a lot, of mini-breakdowns over the last couple of days.  I've had to have my hubby make my food for me sometimes, I've had to sit in the bathroom with him while he took a shower because if left to my own devices I don't want to know what I would have done, I've picked fights with him because I don't like the way I look in the mirror, and sometimes I've just been a flat out b*tch cause its easier to be mean that to admit that I hate myself.

My little sister, genius that she is (and no I'm not being sarcastic she really is a genius...well maybe she's just logical but I'm calling her a genius), said that every time I have a negative thought about myself that I should write down positive things about myself to counteract the bad thoughts.

Here were her rules:
1. For every one bad thought write down three positive things.
2. Include something physical (mainly because  most of what I criticize about myself is physical)
3. Had to be about myself...not my children/husband/family etc.
4. I don't have to believe it, I just have to write it.

I've had a lot of negative thoughts today (surprise, surprise) and writing down three positive thoughts for every one negative thought is kind of a challenge, so I just tried to come up with a positive, any positive, thought about myself.  Here's my list, its not a long one.

• I'm not bald
• I have cute toes
• I have a good sense of humor
• I'm pretty damn smart, academically speaking
• I haven't dyed my whites pink in a very long time
• I make cute kids

It's not much but its a start. And okay the last one is about my kids, and yes Marc had something to do with it, but I carried them for 9 months damn it so I'm taking the credit!

I've Got Some Work To Do

When I was in in-patient treatment they were big on positive affirmations.  At every group therapy session we would read one in particular, I stumbled across it again today.

"I am Me.  In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.  Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.  I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.  I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.  Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me.  By doing so, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts.  I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.  However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me.  If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.  I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.  I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.  I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.  I am me, and I am Okay." ~ Virginia Satir

I like this even though parts of it I haven't quite accepted and internalized.  I completely agree that we are all individually responsible for our actions, behaviors, thoughts, and so on and so forth.  My main disagreement with the statement lies in the last line, "I am me, and I am Okay."  I've never been okay with me.  But rereading this quote today I realize that's because I don't love myself nor am I friendly with all my parts.  And that's sad.

If my daughters felt about themselves the way I think about myself I would be devastated.  They are so beautiful, and even though they are so young they each have these wonderful personalities that are only going to get better as they get older.  I want my children to always see the good in themselves....but how can I teach them to do that if I can't do that for myself?

I've got some work to do...