Not a Problem

"You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved."

Yup that's from Women, Food, and God.  This is my new favorite affirmation, at least I'm making it my new favorite. Actually it's my only favorite, I tend to think affirmations are stupid and asinine.  I like this though. When I first read it I said, "Yeah well you don't know me."  I actually gave the statement no thought until I was about 40 pages deeper into the book when Mrs. Roth started talking about our inner voices, what she calls The Voice.  I know it as ED.  My inner voice has become so tangled up with my self image that I assume I am my ED. Some days, when I try really hard, I can pinpoint that voice and recognize it as the bastard that it's being but most of the time I plod along and suffer in silence while ED enjoys his tirades. And ED always works on the pretense of trying to "fix" something.  Like there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed and he has me convinced that being at the "perfect" weight will fix it all...well even I can recognize that as the load of crap it is. But having listened to ED for so long, letting him have his say and going unchecked I've come to believe that there is something wrong with me down to my very core.

We're not made to work this way, I can look at my children and know that.  O was playing with one of her toys yesterday, trying to make two pieces of a puzzle cube fit together that weren't made to go together, and said to me, "It's broken, fix it."  I told her to keep trying and to try other pieces.  She kept working at it, stubbornly trying to shove the pieces together, finally had enough of it and said, "Mommy it's just broken right now, I'll go get a band-aid."  And she was off.  Never mind the fact that the two pieces just didn't belong together, not once did the child blame herself; the problem was in the toy, not in her.  I love that!  Had that been me I would have instantly blamed the problem on myself and my inabilities. I want to think more like my child.  

How much happier would I be if I stopped finding fault in every little thing that I do?  If I stopped focusing on all that I perceive to be wrong with me and instead appreciated all that is right in me?.  If I accepted everything, EVERYTHING, about myself just the way it is?  I think I'd be much, much happier. 

Okay so I don't like my weight.  I am overweight, but not grotesquely so. My weight shouldn't determine my self worth, but I let it.  Why?  Marc recently lost some weight.  Do I love him more now because he's thinner?  No.  Would I love him less if he gained 20lbs? No.  Either way, at any weight, I love Marc because he's Marc.  Now I just need to learn to love Jessi, for Jessi.

 

I am not a mistake.  I am not a problem to be solved. 

Why?

I've gotten a little further into Women, Food, and God and maybe Mrs. Roth isn't completely off her rocker.  I still don't think a peanut butter and jelly sandwich says anything about my belief in God, but I've come to the understanding that's not really her point.  She says we use food to numb ourselves, to hide from what we are really feeling, what we're afraid of. And she's right.  Whether I'm  stuffing myself silly during a binge and anticipating the release of purging or drastically restricting my calories it's because I'm hiding.  From myself.  It's no secret that I don't like myself...the question I can't answer is why don't I like myself?

Everyone who has ever really, truly, mattered in my life has loved me and accepted me for who I am.  No matter what my weight.  I can name people who I wanted to love me, care for me, or accept me that didn't.  That made me feel like crap, made me feel ugly, unwanted.  But in the grand scheme of things those people don't deserve my time and energy and should have no bearing on my self image.  So why do I still feel like the 15 year old girl that was the butt of a cruel joke?

It's a start

I've had a few, okay a lot, of mini-breakdowns over the last couple of days.  I've had to have my hubby make my food for me sometimes, I've had to sit in the bathroom with him while he took a shower because if left to my own devices I don't want to know what I would have done, I've picked fights with him because I don't like the way I look in the mirror, and sometimes I've just been a flat out b*tch cause its easier to be mean that to admit that I hate myself.

My little sister, genius that she is (and no I'm not being sarcastic she really is a genius...well maybe she's just logical but I'm calling her a genius), said that every time I have a negative thought about myself that I should write down positive things about myself to counteract the bad thoughts.

Here were her rules:
1. For every one bad thought write down three positive things.
2. Include something physical (mainly because  most of what I criticize about myself is physical)
3. Had to be about myself...not my children/husband/family etc.
4. I don't have to believe it, I just have to write it.

I've had a lot of negative thoughts today (surprise, surprise) and writing down three positive thoughts for every one negative thought is kind of a challenge, so I just tried to come up with a positive, any positive, thought about myself.  Here's my list, its not a long one.

• I'm not bald
• I have cute toes
• I have a good sense of humor
• I'm pretty damn smart, academically speaking
• I haven't dyed my whites pink in a very long time
• I make cute kids

It's not much but its a start. And okay the last one is about my kids, and yes Marc had something to do with it, but I carried them for 9 months damn it so I'm taking the credit!

I've Got Some Work To Do

When I was in in-patient treatment they were big on positive affirmations.  At every group therapy session we would read one in particular, I stumbled across it again today.

"I am Me.  In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.  Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.  I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.  I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.  Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me.  By doing so, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts.  I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.  However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me.  If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.  I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.  I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.  I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.  I am me, and I am Okay." ~ Virginia Satir

I like this even though parts of it I haven't quite accepted and internalized.  I completely agree that we are all individually responsible for our actions, behaviors, thoughts, and so on and so forth.  My main disagreement with the statement lies in the last line, "I am me, and I am Okay."  I've never been okay with me.  But rereading this quote today I realize that's because I don't love myself nor am I friendly with all my parts.  And that's sad.

If my daughters felt about themselves the way I think about myself I would be devastated.  They are so beautiful, and even though they are so young they each have these wonderful personalities that are only going to get better as they get older.  I want my children to always see the good in themselves....but how can I teach them to do that if I can't do that for myself?

I've got some work to do...