I've Got Some Work To Do

When I was in in-patient treatment they were big on positive affirmations.  At every group therapy session we would read one in particular, I stumbled across it again today.

"I am Me.  In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.  Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.  I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.  I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.  Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me.  By doing so, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts.  I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.  However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me.  If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.  I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.  I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.  I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.  I am me, and I am Okay." ~ Virginia Satir

I like this even though parts of it I haven't quite accepted and internalized.  I completely agree that we are all individually responsible for our actions, behaviors, thoughts, and so on and so forth.  My main disagreement with the statement lies in the last line, "I am me, and I am Okay."  I've never been okay with me.  But rereading this quote today I realize that's because I don't love myself nor am I friendly with all my parts.  And that's sad.

If my daughters felt about themselves the way I think about myself I would be devastated.  They are so beautiful, and even though they are so young they each have these wonderful personalities that are only going to get better as they get older.  I want my children to always see the good in themselves....but how can I teach them to do that if I can't do that for myself?

I've got some work to do...

Reasons for Recovery

Right there.  They are my reasons for recovery.

Every therapist I've had  (I need a new one...if you know of a good one in or around Deltona, FL let me know!) but for one, and oh how I miss her, has told me that I'll never recover if I don't do it for myself and myself alone.

Well screw you.

I know they have their reasons and years of medical training to back their little philosophy but I think its crap to tell someone in recovery that they can't recover if their motives aren't driven by self-preservation.  Truth is I don't really like myself enough to leave ED.  Sure I like the fact that my hair no longer falls out, my throat isn't constantly on fire, and I have enough energy to get out of bed to make my coffee but those are all benefits of being in recovery...they aren't the reason I fight the urge to purge everyday.

My family is.  One of my biggest fears is that my two little princesses, O (2) and Little Bit (2 weeks), will develop an eating disorder of their own.  And that it will be my fault, they will have learned the behavior from me.  I won't let that happen.

So for now, I eat for them....  Hopefully one day in the future I'll be able to say I'm doing this for Jessi and Jessi alone but for now they are my motivation.  And there's nothing wrong with that.