It's a start

I've had a few, okay a lot, of mini-breakdowns over the last couple of days.  I've had to have my hubby make my food for me sometimes, I've had to sit in the bathroom with him while he took a shower because if left to my own devices I don't want to know what I would have done, I've picked fights with him because I don't like the way I look in the mirror, and sometimes I've just been a flat out b*tch cause its easier to be mean that to admit that I hate myself.

My little sister, genius that she is (and no I'm not being sarcastic she really is a genius...well maybe she's just logical but I'm calling her a genius), said that every time I have a negative thought about myself that I should write down positive things about myself to counteract the bad thoughts.

Here were her rules:
1. For every one bad thought write down three positive things.
2. Include something physical (mainly because  most of what I criticize about myself is physical)
3. Had to be about myself...not my children/husband/family etc.
4. I don't have to believe it, I just have to write it.

I've had a lot of negative thoughts today (surprise, surprise) and writing down three positive thoughts for every one negative thought is kind of a challenge, so I just tried to come up with a positive, any positive, thought about myself.  Here's my list, its not a long one.

• I'm not bald
• I have cute toes
• I have a good sense of humor
• I'm pretty damn smart, academically speaking
• I haven't dyed my whites pink in a very long time
• I make cute kids

It's not much but its a start. And okay the last one is about my kids, and yes Marc had something to do with it, but I carried them for 9 months damn it so I'm taking the credit!

Mini Rant

I was trolling through the eating disordered blog world and came across this comment:

"Eating disorders are just like any other addiction.  Suck it up and get over it already...alcoholics and junkies do it everyday."  ~ Anonymous

Yeah, you're right an eating disorder is really similar to an addiction, some will even argue that it IS an addiction...I'm personally still out on this verdict...but you forgot one key element in your thought process douche bag: alcoholics and junkies don't have to drink or shoot up they can avoid their addiction. People with eating disorders still have to eat, multiple times a day...it's not so easy for us to "suck it up and get over it already".

Douche bag.

Five French Fries

I freaked last night.  Over french fries.  I ate some french fries and I panicked...couldn't breathe, started crying, had to actively try not to puke, called my husband then my mom, freaked!  Do you know how many french fries I ate?

5.

That's right.  5.  FIVE.  I counted.  And they were baked, not fried.  Five french fries were enough to send me into an all out panic.  I'm seriously disturbed...

How do normal people deal with food?  The shit scares the crap out of me.  Mainly because I like to eat, a lot.  I grew up in an Italian family, the food's just good...maybe if we were English and ate fish and chips all the time I wouldn't have a problem.  But no, we like our carbs.

I don't know what it is but the more I like a food the scarier it is for me.  Chocolate, steak, and pasta (of any kind) all make my mouth water and my knees tremble.  ED has convinced me that if it tastes good its bad for me and will ultimately turn me into a whale.  So in order to not panic when it comes to eating I'd have to live off tofu, brussel sprouts, beets, and liver....

GRRR

I want to exercise.  Really, really exercise.  Walking at night with the girls, while enjoyable, is NOT enough for me.  I want to sweat.  I want to burn calories...lots and lots and lots of calories.  But I can't.  Not for 20 more days...it should only be another 14 days but my damn doctor couldn't get me in for my 6 week check up until June 16th (which is a day shy of 7 weeks thankyouverymuch).  And until he clears me I'm not allowed to do anything more strenuous than walking.  And I'm pissed...

I don't particularly like to exercise, okay actually I hate it - well aside from yoga...yoga rocks.  But I NEED to do it, not doing it makes me feel fatter and lazier.  I feel fat enough right now.  And yes I know I just had a baby, and if one more person points that fact out to me I think I might scream...no offense mom (I love you!).

ED Gets a Wife

My first day in treatment for my eating disorder my therapist told me to give my eating disorder its own voice, to distinguish my thoughts from its thoughts.  Like most recovering from an eating disorder I call mine ED.  But since I've been in recovery ED has developed a counter personality, Mrs. Bitch.

While ED likes to harass me about my weight, calories, exercise, and my lack of perfection in almost every area of my life, Mrs. Bitch likes to harass me about my imperfections associated with recovery.  If I skip a meal or snack she takes note.  If I don't eat the minimum number of calories I'm supposed to in a day she points it out.

Seriously, WTF!

It was bad enough having one monster terrorize me.  Now I have two.  A journey into my brain if you please...

ED: You're eating again.
Me: It's a granola bar.
Mrs. Bitch: You didn't have enough protein with lunch, you should eat some peanut butter too.
I don't want peanut butter.
Thank God, it'd go straight to your thighs.
You need the protein.  You're not eating properly.
I'm eating.
Fat ass.
Eat a boiled egg instead of a granola bar.
I want the granola bar and we're out of eggs.
Eggs are fat.
Eggs are not fat.
Everything has fat.
No everything has calories, not fat.
Celery doesn't have calories.
Okay so live off celery.
You can't live off celery.  You need protein, carbohydrates, and good fats.
You need a bigger pair of pants.


If I wasn't certifiable before I sure am now...

Damn Mirrors

I'm really starting to hate taking a shower.  Probably because our bathroom was designed by a moron or a super model who loved to see their body from every imaginable angle.  The bathroom is L shaped with the sink and medicine cabinet directly across from the closets in the elongated section of the L and the shower and toilet are around the corner.  But the part I hate is the fact that the closet doors are mirrors, floor to ceiling mirrors.  And while getting in and out of the shower the mirrors are front and freaking center because there is no bathroom door to speak of.

I don't like mirrors in general but I absolutely despise full length mirrors with every fiber of my being!  I think full length mirrors should be destroyed.  Its bad enough that I have to bypass the mirrors every time I need to use the restroom, that I have to confront them every time I change my clothes, and that I can clearly see my backside while brushing my teeth.  Do I have to be tortured while getting in and out of the shower too?

ED is loving it, naturally.  He takes every opportunity to point out every stinking flaw in my body.  Does he care that I had a baby less than a month ago?  Of course not.

He's lucky we're renting otherwise I'd be taking a hammer to those damn mirrors.

My O

My O is 3 today...wow!  I can't believe how fast she's grown.  I still remember the first time I held her.  Its hard to believe that tiny, helpless, little baby now runs around babbling about anything and everything. 

Happy Birthday O-bug!  Mommy loves you!