Why?

I've gotten a little further into Women, Food, and God and maybe Mrs. Roth isn't completely off her rocker.  I still don't think a peanut butter and jelly sandwich says anything about my belief in God, but I've come to the understanding that's not really her point.  She says we use food to numb ourselves, to hide from what we are really feeling, what we're afraid of. And she's right.  Whether I'm  stuffing myself silly during a binge and anticipating the release of purging or drastically restricting my calories it's because I'm hiding.  From myself.  It's no secret that I don't like myself...the question I can't answer is why don't I like myself?

Everyone who has ever really, truly, mattered in my life has loved me and accepted me for who I am.  No matter what my weight.  I can name people who I wanted to love me, care for me, or accept me that didn't.  That made me feel like crap, made me feel ugly, unwanted.  But in the grand scheme of things those people don't deserve my time and energy and should have no bearing on my self image.  So why do I still feel like the 15 year old girl that was the butt of a cruel joke?