Not a Problem

"You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved."

Yup that's from Women, Food, and God.  This is my new favorite affirmation, at least I'm making it my new favorite. Actually it's my only favorite, I tend to think affirmations are stupid and asinine.  I like this though. When I first read it I said, "Yeah well you don't know me."  I actually gave the statement no thought until I was about 40 pages deeper into the book when Mrs. Roth started talking about our inner voices, what she calls The Voice.  I know it as ED.  My inner voice has become so tangled up with my self image that I assume I am my ED. Some days, when I try really hard, I can pinpoint that voice and recognize it as the bastard that it's being but most of the time I plod along and suffer in silence while ED enjoys his tirades. And ED always works on the pretense of trying to "fix" something.  Like there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed and he has me convinced that being at the "perfect" weight will fix it all...well even I can recognize that as the load of crap it is. But having listened to ED for so long, letting him have his say and going unchecked I've come to believe that there is something wrong with me down to my very core.

We're not made to work this way, I can look at my children and know that.  O was playing with one of her toys yesterday, trying to make two pieces of a puzzle cube fit together that weren't made to go together, and said to me, "It's broken, fix it."  I told her to keep trying and to try other pieces.  She kept working at it, stubbornly trying to shove the pieces together, finally had enough of it and said, "Mommy it's just broken right now, I'll go get a band-aid."  And she was off.  Never mind the fact that the two pieces just didn't belong together, not once did the child blame herself; the problem was in the toy, not in her.  I love that!  Had that been me I would have instantly blamed the problem on myself and my inabilities. I want to think more like my child.  

How much happier would I be if I stopped finding fault in every little thing that I do?  If I stopped focusing on all that I perceive to be wrong with me and instead appreciated all that is right in me?.  If I accepted everything, EVERYTHING, about myself just the way it is?  I think I'd be much, much happier. 

Okay so I don't like my weight.  I am overweight, but not grotesquely so. My weight shouldn't determine my self worth, but I let it.  Why?  Marc recently lost some weight.  Do I love him more now because he's thinner?  No.  Would I love him less if he gained 20lbs? No.  Either way, at any weight, I love Marc because he's Marc.  Now I just need to learn to love Jessi, for Jessi.

 

I am not a mistake.  I am not a problem to be solved. 

Why?

I've gotten a little further into Women, Food, and God and maybe Mrs. Roth isn't completely off her rocker.  I still don't think a peanut butter and jelly sandwich says anything about my belief in God, but I've come to the understanding that's not really her point.  She says we use food to numb ourselves, to hide from what we are really feeling, what we're afraid of. And she's right.  Whether I'm  stuffing myself silly during a binge and anticipating the release of purging or drastically restricting my calories it's because I'm hiding.  From myself.  It's no secret that I don't like myself...the question I can't answer is why don't I like myself?

Everyone who has ever really, truly, mattered in my life has loved me and accepted me for who I am.  No matter what my weight.  I can name people who I wanted to love me, care for me, or accept me that didn't.  That made me feel like crap, made me feel ugly, unwanted.  But in the grand scheme of things those people don't deserve my time and energy and should have no bearing on my self image.  So why do I still feel like the 15 year old girl that was the butt of a cruel joke?

Women, Food, and God

My mother in-law gave me the book Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth the other day.  I'm about 40 pages in, I would be much further but I keep throwing the damn thing.  Not that the book isn't good, it is, I just don't like the points it makes.  


In the very beginning of the book Mrs. Roth says, "...our relationship to food is an exact microcosm of our relationship to life itself."  She goes on to state that our relationship with food can reveal how we feel about love, fear, transformation, our mothers (somehow they impact how we view God), and God himself.  My first reaction was to throw the book and declare that the woman was a nut and completely off her rocker. How in the hell does a bowl of Chocolate Cheerios (yum mama, home run there!) and the way I eat it say anything about my belief in God, or the relationship with my mother? I don't really think it does.  My mom rocks, she's always been supportive, has never told me I was anything less than beautiful, and would be the first in line to kick ass on my behalf should the need arise.  And I believe in a compassionate, loving, all accepting God who loves me just the way He created me (whether I like it or not is another issue all together).  So I don't agree with Mrs. Roth there.


But I'm going to keep reading.  Anything that I have the urge to throw (when it comes to food issues that is) usually ends up to have some beneficial qualities to it.  

Goal Weight

I've been trying to figure out a goal weight for myself.  I have a number that I think I would look great at, its a nice number, a number I wouldn't mind hearing said aloud at a doctors office, one I wouldn't mind seeing on my bathroom scale.  A number that my husband thinks is entirely ridiculous. In fact my entire family thinks a healthy weight for me is 15 to 20 pounds higher than the weight I picked.  Hmph.

Is my dysmorphia really that bad?  Probably.  I'm really scared that I'll get down to the goal weight we set (I deferred to my family...) and I'll still see a big fat cow in the mirror.  One of the therapists in treatment warned me that no matter what I weigh I will always perceive myself in an improper manner.  I'm hoping not.  I'm really hoping the fun house mirror effect starts to dissipate as I get closer to my goal weight, in a healthy manner.